Saturday, June 25, 2011

Dear Gay Mafia - It's me again

Do you remember the Big Audio Dynamite song, Dial a Hitman? Well, I think the Gay Mafia should steal some notes from their song sheet, "If you got a problem, pick up the telephone..." but with a twist... because I don't mean I want to order a gay hit... I have several of those on my iPod already (including "Born this Way" by Lady Gaga). I'm actually talking about a crisis hot-line for straight women who need to "Hear a Queer” when their best gay friend is out of town… on vacation…at an all-inclusive resort in Mexico… with his partner… completely unavailable via text… and a girl needs advice… but I’m not bitter.

You see, last weekend, I went to a tennis tournament, without sunscreen, and got horribly burnt. And normally, I wouldn't care too much; however, I'm getting married soon, and my dress has spaghetti straps - while I... I have a farmer's tan. Add to this dilemma the fact that my people are Irish and prone to skin cancer, hence I can't even go to a tanning bed to even it out, and voila - conundrum. So, Dear Don Queerleone, if you're out there, do a girl a solid and please reply. OK?

That said, here’s what you cannot recommend:

1) Tanning cream (as I have already wasted over an hour and a half on-line and an hour at Macy’s “spot testing” my options, only to find several shades of hell that don’t even work for an orange. Beside that, I refuse to show up at my own wedding looking like George Hamilton in Love at First Bite).

2) A new dress (though I found a Vera Wang to die for, my ass is bigger than my budget at this point, and I cannot spend large sums of money that I do not have).

3) A bolero, jacket, or wrap to cover it (my dress is SUPER New Englandy and EXTREMELY simple, and - while I love the furniture and oval boxes that ‘The United Society of Believers in Christ's Second Appearing’ make, I do not want a “Shaker your Money Maker” look or feel).

What I need is for the fashion police to point me in the right direction. Oh, and because you’re the only true organized crime, can you also find me a five foot tall metal chicken:
(you REALLY do have to click or copy and paste this link into your browser and read this post).

Anyway, thanks Gay Mafia. I look forward to your response. Note (in Mob Speak): If you fail me, you will find yourself sleeping with the fishes (or as Jack from Will and Grace once said about a gay whack job, “sleeping with trout almondine drizzled with lemon and capers”).