Sunday, January 1, 2012

It's not gay if it's in a three-way...

Have you ever seen that Saturday Night Live digital short with Justin Timberlake, Andy Samberg, and Lady Gaga? I have no way to describe it other than saying it's hilarious. It's also the only thing that comes even remotely close to, "Two it's you, three it's me, and five it's gay..." the search string that someone used to find my blog. Yes. Really.

Now, for the record, for those of you who DON'T know me, the closest I've ever come to a three-way (let alone a five-way) is that SNL skit. Seriously. Because, although I went to Catholic school in Appalachia, I was raised so WASP that I actually once walked into the confessional and said, "Bless me father for I have sinned... and this is our family attorney, Ms. Bertling." Anyway, regardless of the reason, upbringing or education, I got the message. Group sex was off-limits. My hippie brother, however, did not. In fact, he subscribed to the Woody Allen school of thought, "Sex between two people is a beautiful thing — between five, it's fantastic." And, though he swears it never happened, when we were in college, I swear that I heard two women talking about it and him.

You see, we both went to Penn State, and during my freshman and his sophomore year, my "free-love" loving sibling lived at a commune. It wasn't a crazy religious one. It was just a bunch of like-minded, liberal students co-habitating in a socially conscious, co-operative way. My parents, to their credit, didn't like it, but they didn't stop him. After all, it was his life to live not theirs. That said, they didn't approve and when my sister needed directions to visit him, my mother said "Drive with your windows down. When you're overwhelmed by the stench of patchouli, turn left. If you don't see partially naked liberals within five minutes, you took a wrong turn."

At the risk of digressing too far, it should be said that my father was a Franklin Delano Roosevelt Democrat and my mother is a Teddy Roosevelt Republican. This is a woman who voted for Nixon... and admits it. I think she even believes that Nixon's only mistake was getting caught. But I digress. The point is that my brother not only lived there, he loved it. Too bad, my mother (though completely wrong about Watergate) was absolutely right about socialism, "It's a great hobby. It's just doesn't pay the bills." And so, when it was time to grow up, he did... kind of. Personally, I think he still subscribes to the Peter Pan philosophy that "Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional." It's why I will always adore him... As to whether or not I'm right about the group sex thing when he was at PSU, I can't say. It's been over two decades and when I brought it up, all he said was, "After twenty years, people are more disappointed by the things they didn't do than by the ones they did." Either way, that's the closest I've ever come to, "two it's you, three it's me, and five it's gay." Happy New Year!