Sunday, January 1, 2012

It's not gay if it's in a three-way...

Have you ever seen that Saturday Night Live digital short with Justin Timberlake, Andy Samberg, and Lady Gaga? I have no way to describe it other than saying it's hilarious. It's also the only thing that comes even remotely close to, "Two it's you, three it's me, and five it's gay..." the search string that someone used to find my blog. Yes. Really.

Now, for the record, for those of you who DON'T know me, the closest I've ever come to a three-way (let alone a five-way) is that SNL skit. Seriously. Because, although I went to Catholic school in Appalachia, I was raised so WASP that I actually once walked into the confessional and said, "Bless me father for I have sinned... and this is our family attorney, Ms. Bertling." Anyway, regardless of the reason, upbringing or education, I got the message. Group sex was off-limits. My hippie brother, however, did not. In fact, he subscribed to the Woody Allen school of thought, "Sex between two people is a beautiful thing — between five, it's fantastic." And, though he swears it never happened, when we were in college, I swear that I heard two women talking about it and him.

You see, we both went to Penn State, and during my freshman and his sophomore year, my "free-love" loving sibling lived at a commune. It wasn't a crazy religious one. It was just a bunch of like-minded, liberal students co-habitating in a socially conscious, co-operative way. My parents, to their credit, didn't like it, but they didn't stop him. After all, it was his life to live not theirs. That said, they didn't approve and when my sister needed directions to visit him, my mother said "Drive with your windows down. When you're overwhelmed by the stench of patchouli, turn left. If you don't see partially naked liberals within five minutes, you took a wrong turn."

At the risk of digressing too far, it should be said that my father was a Franklin Delano Roosevelt Democrat and my mother is a Teddy Roosevelt Republican. This is a woman who voted for Nixon... and admits it. I think she even believes that Nixon's only mistake was getting caught. But I digress. The point is that my brother not only lived there, he loved it. Too bad, my mother (though completely wrong about Watergate) was absolutely right about socialism, "It's a great hobby. It's just doesn't pay the bills." And so, when it was time to grow up, he did... kind of. Personally, I think he still subscribes to the Peter Pan philosophy that "Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional." It's why I will always adore him... As to whether or not I'm right about the group sex thing when he was at PSU, I can't say. It's been over two decades and when I brought it up, all he said was, "After twenty years, people are more disappointed by the things they didn't do than by the ones they did." Either way, that's the closest I've ever come to, "two it's you, three it's me, and five it's gay." Happy New Year!


  1. Hi mkromd! I just want to say that this is the first time i've ever read a blogg, and I've been online since I do remember cassette players and tapes.
    I've stumbled upon bloggs before, but they were never interesting or funny enough to read.
    I found this blogg (read : purely by accident) when I was searching for JJ Grey and what he means with his song 'I Believe'.
    Just want to say that I really enjoy your writing and actually LOL'ed ,(I think that is the correct non-cassetteplayer-term ;), after reading a few lines, and that doesn't happen all that much. I hope you continue to write frequently, you made my day alot brighter and I look forward to reading more of your interpretasions on what you experience in your life :)
    Best regards from Norway...witch is also the answer to where the gramatical errors and strange words originates :)

    1. dear roct - See how karma works? I made your day and you made mine, so thank you! I honestly appreciate it.

      About JJ Grey, I love Mofro! Had I heard them two decades ago, I'd have owned every one of their cassette tapes :) If you're interested in what the lyrics to, "I Believe" mean, there's an interview with him on youtube where he explains it. You should watch it because there's no way I can do him justice. Have a great day. And thanks again for making mine - mkromd.