Saturday, December 24, 2011

Single Woman Seeks...

Happy New Years! I have good news and bad. The good news is that, thanks to your wonderful comments, mkromd just made a $30 donation to Heifer International to purchase honey bees for a village in South America. Why? To quote the Bee Movie, "Bees have never afraid to change the world. Look at Bee-Jesus." Now for the bad news.

One of my closest friends (the one about whom I wrote, "St. Valentine's Day Massacre... Take Two") asked me to look at her online dating profile and give feedback. And not just because I know her pretty well, but because I love her dearly and genuinely want her to be happy. That said, given that she would never use my edits (and I no longer work for her), I'm posting them here. Sorry KJ. This time it's better to ask for forgiveness than it is to get permission.

Without further ado, here's what I would write if I were her:

"Single woman seeks... what? A much-needed vacation? A well-deserved raise? A spa day? A good dinner and a bad joke? YES... YES... YES... and YES. But I'm also looking for someone to share those moments with... other than gay men and straight women. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends. I'm just not IN LOVE with them. So who?

I could write that I want someone warm, fun-loving, and loyal; however, if I wanted that - I'd get a dog. I want someone who is himself. Actually, scratch that. I want someone who is himself and doesn't care that I want to be myself.... and not just because Oscar Wilde is right, "everyone else is already taken," but because I'm a genuinely interesting person. I'm well-read, well-educated (CPA), and well-traveled (I've visited and/or worked on six continents). I'm also a work-a-holic. At thirty-six, I'm an IT Communications Manager at a Fortune 100 company. And, while I'm extremely proud of my professional accomplishments, I'm tired of being married to my job. Not that I want to be married to anything else, but I wouldn't be opposed to the idea. You know?

With that, here's what I don't want. Marathoners... mean people... mean marathoners. In other words, serious athletes need not apply. I feel about runners the way homophobes feel about gay men. I don't care if you work out, I just don't want to see you do it in public. Seriously, if I was interested in seeing someone put Vaseline on their thighs or pant, sweat, and grab their calf muscles, I'd be sleeping with them - not working out with them. Don't get me wrong, I like hiking and scuba diving. I don't even mind biking around town. I just hate gyms. All the tight pants and muscle shirts make me feel like I'm at Studio 54, except there's no Village People or alcohol - the two things that actually make tight pants and muscle shirts almost bearable. What else?

Assholes, cheaters, and perverts need not apply either, especially twisted polygamists who act like dickheads. Seriously - to the fetish crowd... to quote my dear friend, mkromd, "There's a fine line between 'trust me baby you're gonna dig it' and 'wow, I fucking hate you. You should leave now." And I refuse to cross it. Because if we can't make eye contact, how can we have a relationship? I'm not saying I'm not into things, I am. I grew up in Nebraska, so I'm very into college football. I also love baseball and tennis. I'm just not into things that require me to sign a medical waiver or consent form. Other than that...

Yes, I'm attractive, and no -I don't want a knight in shining armor to rescue me or sweep me off my feet. I like them being firmly planted on the ground and I can take care of myself. I'd just like some good company while I'm doing it."

At any rate, that's what I would write if I were her. Talk to you next week and thanks again for all of the wonderful comments. Go Heifer Go.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Christmas is coming. My ass is getting fat. Please put some money in my Kate Spade bag!

Actually, it's not for me. It's for Nathan Bransford's annual Hooray for Heifer drive, where he sends this ripple of kindness across the blogosphere and challenges each of us to raise money for a wonderful cause, Heifer International. Here’s the deal, if I link to his site and this cause, he will redirect people to my site to keep it going. So we should REALLY do this! For each comment that you post below (until the first week of January 2012), I'll donate 25 cents on your behalf (up to $50 total). This is the third year we've done it, and I'd like to keep this tradition going, including sharing the post, "tap tap tap... is this thing on?" As dysfunctional as it is, it's the mkromd equivalent to, "Twas the Night before Christmas." Yes. Really.

With that, happy holidays.

Just when I thought no one was paying attention because the Indonesian Blog, kewtawa lucu, is kicking my ass, someone sent me a note me about Nathan Bransford, who is raising money for a wonderful cause, Heifer International. Now, if you aren’t familiar with this organization, they use donations (like this) to purchase sustainable items for indigenous people around the world, many of whom I’ve personally offended at one point in time or another and need to apologize to en masse. Hopefully this will help me make amends (and improve my karma). And... for those of you who regularly read my blog, you know I need all the help I can get. You even already know that years ago, in college, when I studied in Sardinia, I was attacked by a passive-aggressive hair stylist who shaved my head. But, what you don't know is that, as tragic as that event may have been, it was far from the worst thing that's ever happened to me abroad.

That probably happened in India, after I graduated from college.

You see, every year my large co-dependent family vacations together in a place we've never been before. It's true, we pick some unfortunate destination and descend en-masse, and one year we decided to go to Asia. At any rate, there we were, visiting a mosque in India, when someone suggested that we see the, “lesser known Poor Man’s Taj Mahal.” If you've never heard of it, don't be alarmed. It’s more like a roadside attraction than it is a mosque, but the rules still apply: men can go inside, women cannot, and everyone has to take off their shoes regardless.

So there I was... walking around... outside... in India... without shoes on... when I stepped in bird poop.

If you know nothing about me, please know this - I’m a complete germ-a-phobe; however, luckily for me, there was a big pool of water right there. And, as a recently-graduated, culturally-sensitive Anthropologist, I hopped over to it and stuck my bird poop covered foot RIGHT in. No kidding, about twenty-five men immediately ripped their hands out of there the second I'd touched it. Being the polite idiot that I am, I was loudly apologizing/explaining and showing them my foot while saying, “Sorry – I stepped in crap and I need to get it off.”

Now, if you know anything about Islam, then you probably know the following:
1. That’s holy water and it’s used for men to clean themselves before they pray. Women don’t use it… EVER!
2. Never show a Muslim the bottom of your feet. It’s like giving them the finger.
3. Either one of these things is offensive.
4. Both of these things together can be life-threatening.

I now know that too…

That said, as I’m writing this, it dawns on me that the poop "incident" wasn't actually the worst one. The worst was definitely when I was living and working in London because of an international assignment. I tried to warn my boss this was a bad idea, but it wasn’t until I lost my knickers on High Street that he agreed.

However, before I can tell you that part of the story, I have to tell you this part first.

You see, one morning, I’d gotten up and headed into the office to prep for a big meeting with my manager and his peers, all of whom are men. However, because God hates me, I didn't get to work early at all. In fact, I got there late because of traffic on the M25. Already tardy and frustrated, I quickly grabbed my stuff from the car and accidentally slammed the door on myself - which naturally resulted in a MASSIVE tear in my nylons. As I looked at my watch, I realized that I could pull it off (no pun intended) and literally JAUNTED (in heels) to Woolworths on High Street for a new pair.

Though I was able to successfully repress most of what happened next, I still remember running into the store, grabbing a pair of pantyhose off the rack, looking at the back of the package, and realizing that this wasn’t going to end well for me. You see, the problem with buying clothes in England is that the height and weight charts are metric.

Do you know how many stones you weigh or how many meters tall you are? OMG… ME EITHER!

But I grabbed a pair anyway and hauled back to the office where I went into the bathroom, pulled off my nylons, pitched the torn ones into the garbage, and opened the new pack. Clearly God hates me, because when I opened them, they were thigh-highs… for an Amazon. I’m five foot two, and in NO parallel universe would those have worked - even if I'd had a garter-belt, which I didn't.

So there I was, eyeballing the torn ones in the trash and running the numbers in my head, when I realized that it would require a lifetime of therapy if I went dumpster diving for my own used clothes. Instead, I tried to make my B Plan work.


After fifteen minutes of sheer hell (no pun intended), I walked over to my boss’s office, shut his door and said, “We have a problem.” It was (quite literally) five minutes before one of the biggest presentations of my life, so he was clearly upset by this declaration and asked why. That's when I stamped my right foot three times, and my thigh-high fell to the floor... engulfing my shoe. As we stood there, staring at each other, not sure what to say, the left thigh-high fell to the floor, too. And no, I hadn’t shaved. That’s when my boss said, “Take the damn things off and tell them you’re French. Let’s go.”

To think I was scared of what could happen on our last family vacation to Peru. No kidding, I was genuinely terrified that I’d hear a blow dart and wake up days later in some South American jungle hut without a kidney. Since that didn’t happen, I clearly still have amends to make before my karma can improve, so PLEASE help me out. Give to Heifer International. Or, post a comment and I will make a donation on your behalf (up to $50 total from mkromd).

Have a great holiday! Talk to you next week.