Saturday, December 24, 2011

Single Woman Seeks...

Happy New Years! I have good news and bad. The good news is that, thanks to your wonderful comments, mkromd just made a $30 donation to Heifer International to purchase honey bees for a village in South America. Why? To quote the Bee Movie, "Bees have never afraid to change the world. Look at Bee-Jesus." Now for the bad news.

One of my closest friends (the one about whom I wrote, "St. Valentine's Day Massacre... Take Two") asked me to look at her online dating profile and give feedback. And not just because I know her pretty well, but because I love her dearly and genuinely want her to be happy. That said, given that she would never use my edits (and I no longer work for her), I'm posting them here. Sorry KJ. This time it's better to ask for forgiveness than it is to get permission.

Without further ado, here's what I would write if I were her:

"Single woman seeks... what? A much-needed vacation? A well-deserved raise? A spa day? A good dinner and a bad joke? YES... YES... YES... and YES. But I'm also looking for someone to share those moments with... other than gay men and straight women. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends. I'm just not IN LOVE with them. So who?

I could write that I want someone warm, fun-loving, and loyal; however, if I wanted that - I'd get a dog. I want someone who is himself. Actually, scratch that. I want someone who is himself and doesn't care that I want to be myself.... and not just because Oscar Wilde is right, "everyone else is already taken," but because I'm a genuinely interesting person. I'm well-read, well-educated (CPA), and well-traveled (I've visited and/or worked on six continents). I'm also a work-a-holic. At thirty-six, I'm an IT Communications Manager at a Fortune 100 company. And, while I'm extremely proud of my professional accomplishments, I'm tired of being married to my job. Not that I want to be married to anything else, but I wouldn't be opposed to the idea. You know?

With that, here's what I don't want. Marathoners... mean people... mean marathoners. In other words, serious athletes need not apply. I feel about runners the way homophobes feel about gay men. I don't care if you work out, I just don't want to see you do it in public. Seriously, if I was interested in seeing someone put Vaseline on their thighs or pant, sweat, and grab their calf muscles, I'd be sleeping with them - not working out with them. Don't get me wrong, I like hiking and scuba diving. I don't even mind biking around town. I just hate gyms. All the tight pants and muscle shirts make me feel like I'm at Studio 54, except there's no Village People or alcohol - the two things that actually make tight pants and muscle shirts almost bearable. What else?

Assholes, cheaters, and perverts need not apply either, especially twisted polygamists who act like dickheads. Seriously - to the fetish crowd... to quote my dear friend, mkromd, "There's a fine line between 'trust me baby you're gonna dig it' and 'wow, I fucking hate you. You should leave now." And I refuse to cross it. Because if we can't make eye contact, how can we have a relationship? I'm not saying I'm not into things, I am. I grew up in Nebraska, so I'm very into college football. I also love baseball and tennis. I'm just not into things that require me to sign a medical waiver or consent form. Other than that...

Yes, I'm attractive, and no -I don't want a knight in shining armor to rescue me or sweep me off my feet. I like them being firmly planted on the ground and I can take care of myself. I'd just like some good company while I'm doing it."

At any rate, that's what I would write if I were her. Talk to you next week and thanks again for all of the wonderful comments. Go Heifer Go.


  1. Using a phrase from a dear friend....."Nicely done, points awarded." Too bad it will never work :)

  2. Nice post and I donated to the heifer project too and I like what you would post on your dating profile

  3. I've read a few of your posts and I really enjoy them so I wanted to comment because it's a little strange how I initially ran into them. I'll admit I've read 3 posts and the first one I read was maybe a year ago so I'm not an avid reader but still love the stories and humor nonetheless. I'm a bartender and was working one night and apparently didn't lock my phone as I slid it into my back pocket. At 4 am when I was leaving work I pulled my phone out and it was open to your page titled "My Karma Ran Over Your Dogma". I've always enjoyed that phrase, have a devout catholic aunt (whom I don't really like) & enjoyed using those words just to piss her off so I decided to read it. I subscribed to the feed but seldom check my google account & haven't kept up with your blog. Today I happened to get on and saw the subscription in the bottom and thought "hey, thats the cool blog I subscribed to @ 4am after I somehow ass surfed the net over the phone" & started reading some more of your posts. Keep writing, I really enjoy the randomness and get it. Thats all!!!

    1. Hi Travis - I literally LOL'd. Thanks so much for the fabulous post. It's most appreciated. And, at the risk of sounding totally insane, I hope you keep ass surfing!