Thursday, September 19, 2013

Your Own Personal Jesus


While Depeche Mode was the first band I ever saw in concert, this post isn’t about them or that song. It’s literally about buying your very own Messiah. You see, last weekend I began Christmas shopping, and God bless Amazon (no pun intended) because their “If you love that, you might like this,” algorithm recommended biblical action figures to me. Yes. Really. You simply cannot make this shit up. 

Anyway, as a result, I’m now the proud owner of a Deluxe Jesus, who comes COMPLETE with a toy amphora (to turn water into wine), two fish, and five loaves of bread, so I can feed the masses… of other dolls I’ve purchased… including:
  • Moses, who comes with a stone tablet and his very own glow-in-the-dark burning bush, and
  • Adam, who was ACTUALLY marketed as "still having all of his ribs," which would explain why I cannot find an Eve doll anywhere. It’s OK, I kind-of want a shiksa Barbie anyway.
Also noticeably missing from my growing collection are the Pope, the Dalai Lama, and Gandhi. On all that is holy (pun intended), I swear to you, if I owned those three action figures, I would take them to each and every happy hour simply to be able to say, “A Catholic, a Buddhist and a Hindu walk into a bar…” And no, that joke would NEVER get old. 

On the up-note - I did, however, find an Alexander the Great, a Sigmund Freud, and a Big Foot (who sadly is not made of real hair), and I may need to get them. That way, if I ever want to play Armageddon, I’m ready. I’m joking, you don’t use them. They’re collectibles. Helloooooo. That’s why I can’t understand DB’s fear of walking into our house and finding Moses in the kitchen sink parting the dish water… especially when he knows I’m FAR more likely to put Adam on a Barbie Love Couch so he can be psychoanalyzed by my repressed, German sounding Freud doll, “So Atam, tell me about yor mutter. You did not know her, ya?”

OK, I just talked myself into buying them, and (for the record) SEVERAL of you should expect them as presents this year. Who knows, if I’m lucky, I may even find a Lao Tze with a Kung Fu grip for myself. A girl can dream.

Talk to you later.

7 comments:

  1. Oh my God, that's the funniest thing ever.

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    1. I'll be sure to save you a seat in Hell.

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  2. I presume you have the Oscare Wild action figure from the same manufacturer to keep them all bemused.

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  3. No, but I will in a few days thanks to Amazon Prime. And just wait until Christmas... As you read this, you had to know that I already have your gift. You're welcome.

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  4. Okay, you are hilarious. I wish I had something witty to say, but I can't even come close to you. You are sooooo funny!!!! :D

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    1. Awwwww. Yet again, you had me at hello. And I completely disagree, you're super funny. You're also classy, which is why you're speechless on this topic. Lol. And yes, I did email you! I hope you reply... Just don't give your street address to me or you might get a biblical action figure. Good luck explaining that to company, lol. I really hope you email me back.

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    2. I DID! And don't tempt me with the biblical action figure. :)

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